Taking off the Mirror Mask
"If I were to say something apologetic it would reflect my feelings in this matter. " -Valentine, MirrorMask
i need to listen to more wu-tang clan. and mgmt. and old dirty bastard. damn. its that kind of a day…
my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces.
so if you didnt already know, the cable and internet went out in my building last night. i was pretty murderous because brighthouse has already pushed me to my limit. regardless, they got it back up and running before the end of the night.
i feel like we’ve been fighting a lot lately, but a part of me just says its the hormones. or lack thereof. hopefully i’ll be better starting today.
had a horrible dream last night (is it me, or do these happen when we are either fighting or really happy?). basically mom drove me to rhodes on thursday (night, after work) and dropped me off early. it didn’t dawn on me until i was there and she had left that not only did i not have a ride home, but that i had to be at work in 10 hours, and needed to head back. then i tried to get ahold of you, and our phones did the weird no answer thing a couple of times and a voicemail from you popped up. you explained that you were in the depot, and that you were “unsure as to whether or not i was calling to find out where [you][were], but that [I] should have emailed to tell you [I] was back”, and then you launched off into this whole thing about how you had some bad news, and it was that you didn’t like it when we kissed last night (which it didn’t dawn on me til this morning that there was no way we had kissed the night before, as i was in birmingham and you were at rhodes), and that we needed to talk. so i head your way, but notice that you are no longer in the depot, so i head towards the dorms, and when i stop at what is supposedly your dorm (it looks nothing like any of the dorms at rhodes), i find out you are rooming with a girl, and which girl to be exact? charlotte ashford. so i set my bag down outside the door, and start fumbling through it after i say hi and get your attention, and you come over and stand by me while i’m kneeling and still fumbling, and you tell me that its over. and that you didn’t love me any more, and that you were moving on.
so there i was, stuck with no way home. fucked because i was going to miss work the next day and would get in a lot of trouble for it. and alone, because most of my friends had already graduated.
i hate the dream version of you. but i know it is just a manifestation of my biggest fears about us. which sucks. woke up at 5am from this, and had a rough time going back to sleep.
i really want to go back to bed. i don’t want to shower, i don’t want to go to work. i just want to go back to bed and sleep through this week. i want to be back with you, and thats all i’m looking forward to. three and a half semesters to go.
i ought to get in the shower. guess i will. love you.
i am really embarassed, but i really love practical magic.
yes, the movie. don’t poke fun. its good.
i really love stockard channing.
all three seasons of veronica mars were on sale at fye yesterday. each for 25 dollars. needless to say, i bought all three. i feel like a puppy with a new shoe. delightfully content.
today i will not leave the apartment. i will play spore, watch tv, clean, and shower. i have no desire to do anything else. gotta love lazy days.
who is excited about the ted leo show in just a little over a week? i am! i am!
i’m already ready for my hair to get long again. which is good because yesterday was the last time i’m really cutting it for a while. from here on out, it’ll only be trims. hooray for virgin hair.
to see who actually follows this (which i’m pretty sure its only mark and maybe michael):
post three things you will never give up. (comment).
I hurt myself today
To see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But i remember everything
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of s**t
On my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If i could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
the best thing to soothe the soul after having a bad birthday (due to work — but due to boyfriend and mom a fantastic one nonetheless) is a glass of legal red wine. and leftover parmesan pasta. and underwear.
if only i could have the wii and a teleportation device with mark attached, then i would have the ultimate happiness.
ahhh birthday celebration was very nice. mark had a surprise party for me, and quite a few people showed up. we had dinner at surin, came back, hung out and played dominoes and trivial pursuit. all in all, a very good night.
the wii still hasn’t come yet though. i’m getting more and more irritated by the minute at the fact that it has taken almost a full week now to supposedly travel from atlanta to here. damn usps.
mark’s asleep in the other room. i think we are going to take it easy today and maybe go see burn after reading. it sounds like a good plan to me. it’ll be a nice weekend, regardless, because he is here.
i guess i’m going to run by the post office today and see if they can tell me wtfux up with my package not being here. for now though, i think i’ll crawl back in bed and wake up mark :D.
i am off work today. official work, at least. i have quite a lengthy agenda for the actual day however, which includes getting an Alabama drivers license (finally) and cleaning my apartment. not to mention checking my mailbox eight billion times to see if my wii is here yet.
its almost the weekend and i’m excited to see what will happen.
i had a horrible dream about you last night. or this morning. i was still living on campus, going to rhodes, and you and michael were in the same room you are now. for some reason i had gone to bed and you were supposed to come over and crash after you were done with homework, and i woke up at 8am, and you weren’t there. so i went over to your room, and there were about ten people in there with you and michael, and you were getting drunk and pulling an all-nighter with these people. i obviously flipped out, and immediately said it was over, and the only way you had a fighting chance was if you gave a damn good excuse. the only one you could come up with was silence. it was a pretty horrible dream, partly because it felt real and i was really angry, and partly because it made me feel like i’m psychotic having dreams about this stuff. either way, it sucked. why is it that when i dream about you, you are very polarized? it is never just a normal dream, its either horrible or awesome. i’d pay to never have a horrible one again.
i’ve been up since 7am, laying in bed, trying to find something to watch on tv, and settling for more questionable content (which i think i’ve caught up to where i started). mom suggested i get up and make waffles for breakfast, which i think i might do. i need to go to the dmv first thing (after a shower, albeit), and then probably come back and clean. i hope the wii gets here. it’d be nice to be able to hook it up and play it this afternoon. knowing my luck, it won’t show up though. damn.
i miss you a lot. and i miss college (to an extent). i cannot wait to see if samford even considers me. it’d be killer to be able to have a great job and get paid well while doing it. i love you and cannot wait til tomorrow night. tonight is the last night i have to sleep alone for a few nights. it’ll be nice. holding onto you is always nice. <3
